why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
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It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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