There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
