im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
