I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
