trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
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