I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Everclear isn't food dammit
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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