Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
