Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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