Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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