I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
