she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
