I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
