Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
It's rum buckets o'clock
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
