I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
