I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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