I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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