If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
