i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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