All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
