Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I need to calm my uterus...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
