well I can't set my house on fire every night
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
