Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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