he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
