then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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