just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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