obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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