i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
