that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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