What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
