WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
