you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
