Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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