I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
