Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You are a genius and a whore.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
