i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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