I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
