I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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