now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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