I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
