what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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