he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I pour the whiskey from now on
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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