i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
my poor anus
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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