feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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