Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
