She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
