Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
