Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
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I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
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Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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