how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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