You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
