True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
we made out on top of his cat.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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