...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
