I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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