My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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