If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
