She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
