last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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