Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
