I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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