During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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