You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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