My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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