At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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