his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
