Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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