I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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