His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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